The Worst Things For Sale

The Traxedo is a great way to look like you’re wearing a weird plastic tuxedo at the gym. Or like you’re wearing a weird plastic tuxedo at someone’s wedding. Truly the worst of both worlds. There’s also a version of it in baby blue, in case that’s… more… something… for you. Neither of them hold a candle to the $169 Suitjamas, a combination of a suit with a set of men’s pajamas.

What kind of world would you live in where you need to open bottles, but can’t, because you’re not at home, and not in a bar, and you don’t have your keychain, but your dog is with you? The Dog Collar Bottle Opener world, I suppose.

In my world, if you want a dog that opens a beer bottle, you get Gold Dog Push Down Bottle Opener, because it’s a plastic dog who bears the exact expression you’d expect if you shoved a beer bottle up his ass.

PyroPet, the makers of the expensive cat-skeleton candle I wrote about before, now have a reindeer version for the holidays. It’s cute, if you want to spend $44 on a single candle. At least it’s better than the enormous candle with a ring inside, which you have to burn to get the ring out.

At last, humanity has created the pinnacle of scientific achievement. No, not curing disease, achieving immortality, or even allowing all seven billion of us to live in peace with one another. It’s The Selfie Toaster, which burns a picture of your own face into bread. Like this:

(That’s me.) For the self-obsessed who don’t have the cash to drop on the relatively-expensive Selfie Toaster, there’s The Selfie Brush, a hairbrush which holds your phone.

If you wanted to fill a bowl with food and then eat the bowl, you could go with the basic bread bowl. But is it over-the-top complicated and horrible? Nope. So…

The tortilla bowl is okay, except that you need a standalone appliance to make it, and the manufacturer’s picture suggests that you fill it with a pound and a half of guacamole with two tiny pieces of onion on top.

Does this mold that creates a beautiful, crystalline bowl out of ice have an irrational amount of fat and sugar? No. Zero of both, in fact. So let’s make a bowl out of cookie dough, and fill it with ice cream, and eat the wet cookie. But we might as well go full-cancer and use The Perfect Bacon Bowl to microwave bacon into a bowl-shape. After all, the world is out there, and it’s up to you to make it into a bowl, and fill it with other food, and eat all of it.

“What the fuck, dad?!” screams this child’s dubious face, as his father carries him on SaddleBaby, a contraption engineered to injure young fathers. Most of the reviews note that the device is incredibly uncomfortable to use, as you’d imagine, and turns the simple act of carrying a young child on your shoulders into an expensive hellride.

The only thing SaddleBaby has going for it is that it is not the Daddle, which is a device an adult wears on his back so a child may ride him like a horse.

If it were written as the title might initially lead you to believe, this book might be useful for the billions of people worldwide who have a dick. Unfortunately, it’s some variant on the “no-fap” movement, which, of course, has been around for thousands of years. One of the long-since-discredited anti-masturbation theses of the 1700s in still in print, as a matter of fact, and holds no more water than a forum of young men telling each other not to churn the butter. If you can’t figure out how to lead a life where you don’t crank off so many times per day that it ruins your body and mind, you might want to consider therapy, not a combination of ancient anti-onanism and Freudian pipe-puffery.