The Worst Things For Sale

I’m your coworker.

Just wanted to let you know, via my coffee mugs, that I shit uncontrollably,

and you will probably catch an illness from my never-ending fountain of Work Diarrhea.

Geocentrism, the belief that the Earth floats at a fixed point in the universe while the cosmos rotates around it, is still alive in 2016. Based on quotes from the Bible, and backed up with a PhD in religious studies from an unaccredited university, Robert Sungenis presents a “scientific” argument for geocentrism. If you think about it, though, a “Multimedia CD-ROM” is the perfect venue for this argument, being a format that went out of vogue eons ago.

If you want to wade further into this dude’s orbit of lunacy, I suggest reading his breathless third-person description of his own book Geocentrism 101, where he compares it to Reader’s Digest and describes it as “hot off the presses.”

Should you want a second opinion, Jack A. Mooreman presents “The Biblical And Observational Case for Geocentricity,” an equally-scientific book from more or less the same point of view.

For the past decade, literary bottom-feeders have sought to answer the question, “What if I took two things unrelated… and combined them… and put my name on it?” Following in the shit-caked footsteps of William Shakespeare’s Star Wars, the book Kanye West: Reanimator combines the two things you’d suppose it would, with the typical result.

A showerhead that displays the temperature of its water would be a great idea if you had no other way of measuring the water temperature in your shower. Fortunately, most of us have figured out how to stick our hands into the shower before getting in by the time we get to showerhead-purchasing age. It doesn’t help that, according to the reviews, it also emits a loud screeching noise the entire time you’re taking a shower.

The iTouchless toilet lid lifts when you approach, and closes when you are no longer using it. For north of a hundred bucks, that seems like a bit much, but more importantly, according to several reviews, it snaps shut while you are using it, with one reviewer claiming “The men… will not use this restroom.”

In an apparent attempt to create the least-tasteful drinking accessory of all time, the Flashbang Flask both clips to your belt, and is in the shape of a law-enforcement device used in “no-knock” raids to stun, incapacitate, and sometimes kill children and pets. Or, as they would put it, “…your on your way to Tactical Drinking.” [sic]

Solve your household debate on which way the toilet paper should be installed with this TP cage, which holds the toilet paper in a way that’s less convenient than the loose-end-over or loose-end-under configurations used by most. It’s less degrading than this permanent, passive-aggressive sign, or for that matter, this emasculating toilet-lid sign.