The Worst Things For Sale

Cheetahmen II is the sequel to the terrible game Cheetahmen, released in the early 90s on a Nintendo cartridge called “Action 52.” This was a cartridge which held 52 different terrible games, and retailed for $199. For a single game. I remember renting this piece of shit when I was a kid and feeling cheated out of two bucks. Plunking down almost two hundo would have been emotionally shattering. Cheetahmen was one of the 52 games on there, and it was as horrible as the other 51, being mostly un-fun and somewhat unplayable. Keep in mind that in 1992, your other options for fun, apart from Nintendo, were playing outside or watching TV, so it wasn’t competing against much, but it still lost.

The manufacturers decided to make a sequel, and cranked out Cheetahmen II, which, despite the fact that it’s reportedly worse than the first game, is now a collectible, selling for almost $400. I can’t believe this shitty game is still haunting the world. If we can’t get rid of Cheetahmen, we don’t have a chance at conquering true injustice.

Vitamin B17 ($82 for 100 tablets) isn’t a B-vitamin at all, but rather a substance called Laetrile that’s extracted from the seeds of apricots. Not only has this substance not been proven to cure cancer, but like other compounds found in the pits of apricots and related fruits, it releases cyanide when ingested.

Despite this, the cancer-quack industry still publishes books claiming that laetrile prevents and cures cancer. Their position, which would be funny if it didn’t kill and poison people, is that cancer is a sign that the body is deficient in laetrile. (If you don’t hate the world enough today, hit the “Look Inside” link to read a little bit of the quackery.)

For those that weren’t satisfied with the gun knife I found awhile back, here’s a bullet knife, which looks like a bullet, but is really a knife. If you don’t think this is amazing, please read the review that describes it as “Awsome.”

You can purchase up to five cameras at a time with this “deal” on Prime Day, which enables you to send live video of your home to Amazon, whose employees can watch the goings-on of your private moments. Technically, you can also monitor your own house with this setup, but unless you’re an Amazon manager threshing your subordinate into peeing in bottles and collapsing of heatstroke and dying during the pack-n-ship of the Prime Day rush, there’s probably no reason to own a security camera!

Some workers at Amazon are striking today, which is Amazon Prime Day. If that’s cooler to you than buying an Echo Dot for slightly cheaper than usual then you could skip the holiday entirely. It’ll still be a few years before the government mandates we add live microphones and cameras to our houses, so you might as well luxuriate in that while you still can.

The “Porkfolio” is an unreasonably-expensive piggy bank that connects to a smartphone app to display how much money is inside. Unfortunately, it only holds (according to the manufacturer) approximately 400 quarters. Which means that the Porkfolio is almost as expensive as the money it can hold.

EDIT: The price has come down, but it’s still not a great deal.

Will fried chicken achieve the “food meme” status that pizza and bacon did? It doesn’t matter, because this fried chicken shirt is terrible either way.