The Worst Things For Sale

What an amazing advancement! It’s not like all the tape measures before this had little black lines every fraction of an inch, so that you could measure how long the thing was you were measuring. It’s definitely worth the huge premium you pay for having a digital readout on the top.

I know what you’re thinking, but, no, the Puff-N-Fluff Dog Dryer doesn’t get your dog high.

You’ll have to do that yourself, in order to get him into the plastic bag and keep him still while hot air circulates all around his body.

Yeah, it’s dubious whether standing at a desk all day is practical or has any significant benefits over sitting at a desk. But that’s not why this is here. Nope, it’s because the manufacturer uses a picture of a man standing at his DIY desk on a cliff, overlooking a beach sunset, to sell this piece of shit.

The theremin is probably the most difficult instrument to play accurately, since your hands float in space, making it hard to acquire “muscle memory” for playing individual notes. Building a theremin inside a plastic doll head would make it completely impossible to use.

Only the most brutal of bathrooms can handle the gothic bleakness of black toilet paper. “I am the night,” you’ll whisper, slowly threading the expensive butt-roll through your glutes.

Later, you’ll spill your goblet of blood and reach for the same company’s black paper towels, eyes rolling back into your head as you summon Bountytoth, the Dark Lord of Cleaning.

Seven years after the hit song “Gangnam Style” was released, a company has made a wind-up toy that masturbates in the style of the song’s video. (I had to pixellate the toy penis; it’s there on the listing itself if you must see it.)

It’s marginally more tasteful than the wind-up Obama toy that gives a Hitler salute as it masturbates… but only marginally.

Sure, any product labeled as “vaginal shrink cream” is pretty awful. But what pushes this one over the edge is the long list of reviews by men who said they used it on themselves.