The Automatic Cocktail Maker


This countertop device brags that it “eliminates waste” by charging you an insane amount to mix a pre-made packet of flavoring with liquor. If pouring a premade mixer and a shot of liquor into a cup is beyond your abilities, then this is not the solution.

If you absolutely must have a liquor-maker on your countertop, then at least this thing makes slushies.

Tweebot, The Voice Interface


Tweebot is a battery-powered device that lets you control your phone with your voice, which might be useful if the phone didn’t already do that itself. Unfortunately, per the customer reviews, it won’t stay connected to your phone, and generally doesn’t work. It’s also twice the price of the Amazon Echo Dot, which is basically the same product, and seems like an awkward way to accomplish anything online, but seems to work reliably.

The Malachite Pyramid


For the price of just a few months’ worth of health insurance, you can own this enormous malachite pyramid. (Check out the picture of a lady holding it, for size.) It may not do anything, but, as the manufacturer explains, “Please do not expect something that looks like it was made in a factory.” Yeah! Fuck the factory pyramids!

If you need something less pointy to heal, you should go with this 46-pound crystal ball, described as a “high altitude orb gem” that contains “green phantoms.”

PureLyft, The Energy Stick


PureLyft is an “energy stir stick” that dissolves in a glass of water to release caffeine, sweetener, and flavoring. Most of the reviews note that it tastes terrible, which is an accomplishment, because companies have been mixing water, flavorings, and caffeine together for decades. Unsurprisingly, it’s “frequently bought with” the caffeine-vape I wrote about earlier this month.

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