The Worst Things For Sale

If there’s anyone you should take medical advice from, it’s a man who calls himself “Commander X.” He’s one of the authors of Morgellons: Level 5 Plague Of The New World Order. The CDC has classified Morgellons as a type of delusional parasitosis, but don’t let that keep you from making money by spreading the insane fear that colored fibers are growing out of your skin because of the government, Commander.

The “Smart Snacker Personal Travel Container” fits in the cupholder of your car and lets you drink soda and eat chips while you’re driving. “Smart snacking” might be a bad name, though, since it could be argued the smartest time to snack is not when you’re in control of a four-thousand-pound metal capsule that explodes gasoline to drag your family across the decaying infrastructure of America.

If you want to make sure your kids don’t miss out on the metabolic joy of trans-fats and sugar, you can install the Auto Back Seat Organizer. The name suggests it’s to be used for files, but the product picture shows TWO sodas, a bigass fries, a hamburger sitting on a pull-out tray, and TWO EXTRA SNACK BOWLS ATTACHED TO THE SIDES.

And, if you want a little more elegance, try the Automobile Swivel Tray, a device that holds a turntable on an extendable arm, to allow you to plop a full plate of food down right next to the steering wheel, and rotate it, if you can’t quite reach some of the food on the plate, because you’ve piled it so high that you can’t touch the other side. The last is especially notable for the customer complaint that – at nearly a foot in diameter – it is not large enough.

Customers who bought a pound of liquid mercury also reportedly bought a quart-sized bottle of 98% sulfuric acid, two pounds of lye, and a bigass chunk of gallium, another metal that’s liquid at close to room temperature. I can’t see anything wrong with buying any of these! I’m sure it’s all going to end well and nobody’s going to get hurt.

This pogo stick itself isn’t too bad, as pogo sticks go. But the review where a man describes his son’s experience with the stick as “laying in a pool of blood, screaming” and goes on to give the pogo stick three stars out of five is worth your attention.

With the Pet Peek Fence Window, you can finally give your loud-ass dog more to bark at. Now he can bark at stuff he hears AND sees. That’s what you need! That’s what your neighbors need! Bark bark bark! Your neighbors love you, and they love your dog, bark bark bark bark bark bark bark

Suffer the pain of not playing Mario while you play chess no longer! You’ve covered every surface of your house with question blocks and turtles and mushrooms, but your chess set has been lacking. No longer will your soul be at unrest for the lack of Turtle, Other Turtle, Turtle Girl That Spits Eggs From Mario 2, and Mean Turtle in your chess.

The insanity of “To Train Up A Child” is beyond my description and its cruelty is beyond my grasp. The authors of this book advocate physical abuse of a child beginning in infancy. Not discipline, but active, constant abuse. They recommend you pull an infant’s hair, hard, when he cries or bites a nipple during nursing. They describe, positively, a scenario where a man spanks a 12-month-old child for 45 minutes. As the child ages, the punishments get worse, and I’ll save you the anguish of describing them here. You can read the “Look Inside” sample online if you want to see exactly what they entail, if you have a strong stomach, or if you’d like to seethe in hatred of two of the most horrible people currently alive.