The Worst Things For Sale

The Qwerkywriter is a keyboard for your iPad that turns your iPad into a typewriter. The only good thing I can say about the Qwerkywriter is that it’s at least not made out of an entire real typewriter, like this monstrosity.

These meat-flavored candy canes sound gross, sure, but what do customers say?

(Spoiler alert: Customers hate them. Read the reviews.)

The main issue with the Oregon Trail Card Game is that Oregon Trail wasn’t really a fun game. It was “fun” to play as a kid because you got to use the computer in your elementary school classroom for something other than LOGO or typing. Which is not to say the price of it isn’t insane, even if you’re the kind of person who would cosplay an Oregon Trail character.

This box of 12 tubes of penis-shaped lipstick (check out the customer pictures if you can’t imagine with your mind what a penis-shaped lipstick would look like) is a little over a buck a tube. That’s pretty cheap, if you don’t mind the obvious downside to penis lipstick.

Charming as sixty seconds of streaming video, and surprisingly uninteresting for 26 straight minutes on DVD, Nora The Piano Cat is a cat who, technically, plays piano. If you’re going to drop a few bucks on bad piano playing, you should probably go with the H. Jon Benjamin jazz album, whose conceit is that HJB doesn’t know how to play piano, but does anyway.

The WineOvation is a gun. It’s an electric wine opener. It’s pink “because it’s for girls.” I would have probably called it Cabernet Shootingun, but what do I know.

The iCog Hades turns your sleek, light iPad Air into a heavy, huge wooden monstrosity that somehow also requires 2 AA batteries to operate. As you can see in the other pictures, it opens up to reveal a steampunk typewriter (of course.)