The Worst Things For Sale

“Newspaper Builders” is a “toy” which costs $40 and consists of a handful of plastic asterisks. To make anything with it, you need to sit and roll newspaper into rods of specific sizes, and then stick them into the asterisks to make anything.

It would be a great way to reuse your old newspapers, if this weren’t the 21st century, and we still needed to subscribe to a daily delivery of corporate-sponsored world news printed on dead trees to know what was going on. And if it didn’t cost $40. And if you wouldn’t have to stand guard with a tazer to force an infinitely-bored child into rolling up old newspaper for hours.

From the people who probably brought you the hidden shoe-mounted camera to look up women’s skirts comes the SLR Spy Lens. Finally, you can take high-resolution “creepshots” of women you don’t know in public, using your fancy Nikon or Canon! Lord knows where you’ll be able to post them, since Reddit has shut down their “creepshots” board… Oh, the rest of the internet is still full of fucked-up creeps? Okay, post them on the internet then.

These heart-print panties fit on your iPhone. For some reason.

The PocketPlug case seems like a cool idea – a case that has prongs built in that you can snap out to plug your iPhone into the wall to charge it. Too bad that:

1. It makes your iphone thicker, longer, and much heavier.

2. You can’t plug in headphones while your iPhone is in it.

3. You need a separate, non-Apple cable if you want to hook it into your computer.

4. It’s really expensive.

The Puzzlebox Brain Controlled Helicopter is a $229.95 toy helicopter that’s operated with an EEG headset you strap to your forehead. If you think about it, though, regular R/C helicopters are also brain-controlled.

Also, by telling you to think about it, I just brain-controlled your brain.

In case you missed it, my new project with Natalie Dee is called Garbage Brain University, and we’re publishing a weekly NEWSLETTER PLUS PODCAST, each one full of weird facts and stories. You can listen to “I Accidentally Murdered A Squirrel” and “The Mailman Kissed My Mail” at garbagebrainuniversity.com and drop your email in there to get our weekly updates.

“Comfortably Numb Deep Throat Spray” numbs your throat so you can perform oral sex on a penis more easily. I would have called it Throatfuckitussin, but they didn’t ask me, did they.