The Worst Things For Sale

This week, me and Natalie released the 11th episode of Everything Is Real, our brand new show about quantum physics, the occult, conspiracy, esoteric lore, thermodynamics, extra dimensions, aliens, and everything in between. Listen & join us at GarbageBrainUniversity.com / patreon.com/garbagebrainuniversity.

The free episodes are also on iTunes and Spotify.

This fake brown paper bag, at $25, is roughly 100 times more expensive than an actual brown paper bag. (A paper bag is also reusable, if you can handle taking it back home instead of throwing it away at work.)

The idea of this cat turntable is cute, but if you buy this for your cat, he will never scratch it like in that illustration. He will scratch everything else in your house, but not this toy. At best, he will piss on the cat turntable, and his urine will soak into it, giving you the choice of throwing out your $26 cat toy, or letting your home continue to reek of cat urine.

The bootlegged image of Calvin pissing on car company logos, Bill Clinton, Osama Bin Laden, Nascar numbers, and every other social, political, and economic event of the past 20 years has culminated in this: a toilet decal of Calvin pissing, which you can put on your toilet. Finally, Calvin’s piss has a home, and it’s in the toilet where it belongs. Our long national nightmare is finally over.

The chainmail necktie is a great way to say “Sure, I have a job that requires me to wear a tie, but that doesn’t mean I want to be promoted.”

The Poweriser Jumping Stilts let you fly several feet up into the air, springboarding across hard concrete surfaces as if you had some sort of kinetic-energy-storing devices attached to your legs. Which is great, and fun, until eight minutes in, when you fall at slightly the wrong angle and snap your fibula. Don’t believe me? Check out the review where the purchaser describes these as leaving his teen looking “like he had jumped through a wood chipper.” Then he gave the product five stars anyway. Apparently, hurting a child is just what this man wanted.

According to this customer, you can scooch down an entire mountain in this product.