The Worst Things For Sale

“Take turns pooping, but don’t clog the toilet,” says the manufacturer of Poop: The Game.

If you’re about to “more like the best thing for sale” me, congratulations: You’re the target demographic.

Peanut-butter toast and a cup of coffee is a pretty classic, cheap breakfast combo. Which means it makes perfect sense to replace that with a thirteen-dollar jar of caffeinated peanut butter. It’s got a skull and bones on it, though, so that means it’s… angry?

At least they didn’t claim, like the manufacturers of Steem Caffeinated Peanut Butter, that “caffeine naturally bonds with peanut butter.” (It does no such thing, chemically speaking, and if it did, then the caffeine wouldn’t work in its intended fashion, having reacted with the other ingredients.)

Described as “Book 1″ of a “Complete Guide To Become Social,” this eight-page book consists of more or less what you’d expect given the cover and description: twenty-two weirdly written paragraphs that tell you to talk to people. At the time of writing, it’s on Kindle Unlimited, so you can read it at no cost, if you feel like you need to. (You don’t.)

The Fondoodler is, as the manufacturer admits, a  “Hot Glue Gun – But For Cheese.” Unfortunately, cheese is harder to melt than ethylene vinyl acetate (the main component in hot-melt adhesive sticks) which means, as several customers note, you have to wait for each little bit of cheese to melt after pushing it into the hot tip of the Fondoodler. Still, it’s worth a look to see the photo gallery of gingerbread-style houses made with cheese and crackers, even though they must have taken hours to make.

Here’s one vial of human sweat. It’s marked “for research use only,” but I’m sure nobody will know if you drink that bad boy in the privacy of your own home.

Each of these horrors links to the page where you could purchase them, against my strong suggestion that you do not.

Now, if I were cynical, I’d think that the phenomenon of selling beer in growlers was created to sell more beer (because it goes flat unless you drink a half gallon at once) and to sell beer growlers, like this inordinately expensive cannonball-shaped growler, which comes with the added inconvenience of having a round base.